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Handling Disappointment

Riddle:
I'm so sorry,
I'm so sad,
I lost something that I never had!

How is that possible?

Each person is born believing that he always existed. He (or she) can't remember his beginning, because his memory of early days is hazy, so the natural tendency is to assume he is immortal. Mom and dad are there to fulfil every need, and the child feels as if the whole world was created to serve him.

So everyone is set up at birth for inevitable disappointment. A few accidental bumps and scrapes as they learn to walk teaches children that they aren't invulnerable. Then they discover that other people have their own desires too, that don't always involve giving the little child what he (or she) wants. In the age of the "terrible twos" the child faces the frustration of not being permitted to do everything he may wish to try. In shock and disbelief, a child may throw a tantrum. Evidently the world wasn't created for him after all.

He (or she) thinks he lost his position as the most important person in the centre of the universe, but it was a status that he never had.

The child also eventually discovers the reality about mortality. I remember an occasion when my daughter was little, when the topic of mortality came up somehow as I read her a bedtime story. When I told her that I wouldn't live forever, she had tears in her eyes. I reassured her that I would likely live as long as she needed me. But it was a disappointment to her even so, that there would be a time that she couldn't be with me.

A next stage up in wishful thinking is to believe that the earth is the center of the universe, and that the sun, moon, and stars were all created for the benefit of people together. This "centre of the universe" idea was disputed by Galileo long ago, which was very upsetting to the people of the time. Now we know that those little dots of light in the sky that we call stars were not placed on a dome to give us navigation aids at night. They are suns much like our own sun, with billions of them in our own galaxy, and in some cases they are galaxies filled with suns. The planets too are not just dots in the sky, but are worlds of their own that our spaceships have visited. In the face of this evidence, it's pretty much impossible to maintain the illusion. Once we know the truth, there's no turning back to what we believed before.

In ancient times, it was fairly common in different parts of the world to imagine that a collection of gods took care of the world. One god would bring the sun up each day, while another was in charge of rain. This was consistent with the human-centric view of people as the most important creatures of the universe, next only to the gods themselves. But even then, those ideas were disputed. More than 2000 years ago, the Greek philosopher Epicurus argued that the gods did not involve themselves in the affairs of humans. Therefore, one could conclude that the various temples erected for the favorite gods, and the ceremonies meant to influence the gods, were all in vain.

Even though that was discovered long ago, it seems that it's something that every generation learns again for themselves. People naturally hope for a perfect world, and failing that they may hope that god(s) will make it perfect for them. But if perfection is the expectation, everything less is a disappointment. How can one be happy if disillusionment is inevitable?

As an answer, we can think back again to childhood. We see that most children are happy even after some of their childhood illusions disappear. The Easter bunny and the tooth fairy were fun but not real, the world wasn't built for the child, and nor was the universe built just for the humans of this world. But the child isn't worrying about the distant future. His (or her) life is mostly care-free, with others taking care of his essential needs. The child furthermore has the advantage that as he grows up he will be able to do more things, so that many of the things he did as play become reality.

Childhood isn't all joy. In a nostalgic view of childhood, adults often think of the optimism and freedom from responsibilities of childhood, but forget about the frustrations and disappointments.

We must understand too that not every disappointment has mitigating improvement to come later. Things break, disasters happen, people get old, and especially in that latter case people will find that their fitness and health will never return to what it was before.

With a view to making things as good as they can be, here are some things to do to address disappointment:

Recognize that some disappointment is inevitable, and avoid the inappropriate guilt of blaming yourself in such situations. When a child discovers that he isn't the center of the universe, it's not because there is anything wrong with the child. It's not his fault.
Bring your attention to all of the wonderful things that you can enjoy in the world. When you have a glass half full of water that will quench your thirst, don't think of it as a glass half empty! Enjoy the things you've got, rather than wishing for things you don't have--things you might not even need!
Life is not a contest to maximize a happiness score, whereby "not winning" all the time is regarded as a failure. Happiness itself is an aggregation of satisfactions that come through fulfilling motivators, including fulfilment of curiosity. An inevitable consequence of attempts at discovery and invention will be that failure occurs sometimes. It doesn't mean that you're a loser. It's more likely that you have ruled out something that doesn't work and now you're closer to finding something that does.
Sometimes when a person fails, they feel as if they "should have known better." Even if you were at fault, treat it as a lesson learned. Feel badly if you did something you're ashamed of, then repent, get over it, and carry on.
Further to the previous point, one of the most effective way to avoid disappointment is prevention. The better you can learn what to do in various situations, know what can go wrong and be prepared for it with contingency plans, the less likely you will be to feel disappointed. And when you do feel disappointed, at least you will avoid the guilt of it being your fault, because you will have made the best decision that you could have made at the time.
Don't self-assess happiness every few minutes. A minor disappointment, remembering a past disappointment, making a mistake... these are all sad things but not things to tell yourself "I'm so unhappy!". That kind of judgement is a logic error, and you need to immediately correct yourself. Happiness is a long-term state, which is a general satisfaction during times that include both joys and disappointment.
Do the best you can with what you've got. Studies of handicapped people show that after an initial despair they tend to recover to live lives where they are happy, if it has been their nature to be happy before. Focus on goals of what you can still do.

As a further point on this matter, consider that human capabilities are limited to begin with. You can't carry twice your weight as an ant could. You can't jump long distances as you could on the moon or on Mars, where there is low gravity. Would coming back to Earth after a visit to Mars be a disappointment because of that? No, because you wouldn't have that expectation on Earth! You would seek other kinds of pleasure instead. Set your expectation according to what you can do, not on something you wish you could do.

Think about other people around you, and enjoy vicarious satisfaction from their successes. When a person is self-centered, disappointments tend to weigh heavily on them. But if you focus on making things better for other people, you will be able to feel some satisfaction even when things are getting worse for yourself.

- Arthur de Leyssac, July 2021.

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